I have found it: the most pretentiously named product in all of human
history. It's not even something on a Starbucks menu, to my surprise.
It's called the "Alpha Omega Elite." While this sounds like a special
forces team founded by God during the Old Testament and comprised solely
of wrathful archangels brandishing mighty swords wreathed with
unquenchable eternal flames, that's not actually what it is. It's this thing.
Yup, that's a car seat. It costs a little under two hundred bucks and
the idea is that you strap your wailing infant into it so that when you
drive your car into a ditch because you were texting behind the wheel,
they are less likely to go through the windshield. It also has a cup
holder, because your infant knows how to operate one of those, and what
could possibly go wrong with leaving a beverage within reach of a child
in the car, anyway?
With a name like "Alpha Omega Elite" I expect this thing to detect an
impending collision and eject the baby through the sunroof an instant
before impact and parachute them to safety. It should then activate a
radio distress signal that will call a helicopter rescue team like I'm a
fighter pilot who has been shot down deep inside enemy territory, and
my baby/weapons-officer has vital reconnaissance photographs that will
turn this war around.
It is available in the following not-colors: Caroline, Lamont, Triton,
and Nitron. That's a girl's name, a boy's name, a Greek god's name, and a
Canadian professional wrestler's name, who played Sabertooth in X-Men.
Presumably you are supposed to choose the one that is most appropriate
for your baby.
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