Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Most Pretentiously Named Product Ever

I have found it: the most pretentiously named product in all of human history. It's not even something on a Starbucks menu, to my surprise. It's called the "Alpha Omega Elite." While this sounds like a special forces team founded by God during the Old Testament and comprised solely of wrathful archangels brandishing mighty swords wreathed with unquenchable eternal flames, that's not actually what it is. It's this thing.

Yup, that's a car seat. It costs a little under two hundred bucks and the idea is that you strap your wailing infant into it so that when you drive your car into a ditch because you were texting behind the wheel, they are less likely to go through the windshield. It also has a cup holder, because your infant knows how to operate one of those, and what could possibly go wrong with leaving a beverage within reach of a child in the car, anyway?

With a name like "Alpha Omega Elite" I expect this thing to detect an impending collision and eject the baby through the sunroof an instant before impact and parachute them to safety. It should then activate a radio distress signal that will call a helicopter rescue team like I'm a fighter pilot who has been shot down deep inside enemy territory, and my baby/weapons-officer has vital reconnaissance photographs that will turn this war around.

It is available in the following not-colors: Caroline, Lamont, Triton, and Nitron. That's a girl's name, a boy's name, a Greek god's name, and a Canadian professional wrestler's name, who played Sabertooth in X-Men. Presumably you are supposed to choose the one that is most appropriate for your baby.

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